Will

I've jerked off in 17 #NFL stadiums. So far

Wife likes to do this bit where she asks me to pick up whole milk after work for some baking she's going to do, then doesn't make anything while the milk sits there for weeks until it expires. I guess it's kind of funny

Black and white video of me clumsily forgetting that it’s time to buy more soap

Went through all 500 comments and 1400 reposts and not a single dissenting voice. Everyone agrees the list is perfect, I’ve never seen anything like it

Once again what should have been a routine visit to the Ford dealership ends with the entire service department laughing at my tiny penis 

Sometimes I stretch my foreskin over my balls and call it boyz n the hood. Oh god it feels good to finally get this off my chest

Out on the town having the time of my life with a bunch of munitions. They're all just out of frame, laughing too.

What they don’t tell you is that you don’t *have* to share these, it’s only a suggestion. You can eat the whole thing yourself

When I die please hurl my corpse over the wall at my enemies to spread disease

The song of summer 2026 is finally here and it’s sober by Tool 

By far the most old-person thing I do is combine the terms AirPods and earbuds into “air buds.” I’ll be walking around the house saying “where did I put my air buds?” You hate to see it

I think I speak for everyone when I say these are indeed some of most sexually pleasurable bovines in all of video gamedom

I feel like I’m going fucking insane. Good vibes of losing someone who was actively making the world a worse place immediately undermined by the people who ostensibly are fighting back but in reality are totally complicit. The ties that bind are money and power, nothing else really matters

I’m sorry, you’re telling me that party rock is in the house? TONIGHT? Um yeah, I think we’ll be having a good time

Yikes, our Bring Your Pitbull To Work event here at the daycare center didn’t exactly go to plan. Not looking forward to sending these text messages

Me having clearly forgotten what the statue of liberty is called: ah there she is, the big green lady. Ol’ torchie herself. Mamamerica. The copper topper

Just got an IQ test and it’s a perfect 55. Angel number

All door to door solicitors should adopt the ice cream truck model. “Oh I recognize that tune, it’s the solar panels guy. I’ve been meaning to talk to them”

Feeling pretty smug about my career path that isn’t in danger of AI disruption: veterinarian specializing in horse abortions

All this corporate cross-selling is great. I love being offered a credit card when I get a milkshake or subscribing to Netflix when I buy tires. This is all good and helpful to me, the consumer

Wife is still upset that I lost my retirement (I guess technically both of ours) on the hawk tuah coin. Like it’s been months, move on lady

Been putting it off but finally got my adult circumcision for coming in last in my fantasy football league

Putting a picture of the $19.99 oil change place in my wallet with a note that says don’t believe his lies

A shirt that says “well behaved women rarely make history” on the front and “it’s wine o’clock somewhere” on the back

That’s my secret, cap. I’m always sitting on my balls so they have to stop filming for a couple of days

Just feel so much freer after deciding that the laws of God and man no longer apply to me

RIP to toad, touched a ten dollar bill laced with fentanyl

Folks like to clown on mr beast but the new model looks almost human

Italian people are Jewish but Jewish people aren’t Italian. Seems pretty obvious, not much else to say

The movie yesterday but instead of the Beatles I’m the only one who remembers Flo from progressive

Getting real tired of the dentist laughing at my dick

Just feel so much freer after deciding that the laws of God and man no longer apply to me

The palantir boys are Having A Normal One

Fortunate Son blaring while I crank my hog at the DMV

Bluesky has no fun usernames. Miss the weird old twitter ones like dildosaurus and usingnwordatapplebees

Too short bitch lol

When someone dies their online profile pics should have DECEASED stamped across them in red like we did for those terrorist decks after 9/11. Anyways sorry about your son

Not a single thank you from the Iranian people so far. Huh

Reporter cutting to me: And what can you tell us about artemis now, at this stage of its voyage? Me: Well it’s really big, the rocket. But also it’s very loud

Every year we get closer to science finally finding a cure for being from Boston

Leading my wife to the bedroom and taking off my robe: “it’s big ball chunky time”

I guess in a way my hand is a type of ersatz vagina

Got banned from Wikipedia for multiple instances of editing jon arbuckle’s page to state “garfield’s friend” rather than owner

First Iran and now Lumo???

I think the threat is coming from inside the house