dtraj

nah man, don't take it personal my kid is shy around you. also it's not really shyness, she's distraught because she has visions of exactly how and when you die. yeah, all the experts say it's developmentally appropriate.

if i ever get caught cheating, please don't let it be during a slow news cycle. crossing my fingers 9/12 happens like the day before.

farmers don't crank their hogs anymore

big news: daily wire agreed to buy my screenplay about a secret agent whose speciality is gun and sex

the 1910s were a great time for fate tempters

fitting end for possibly the greatest piece of shit to have ever lived

movie premise: snakes on a plane but the plane is a return flight from Turkey so all the passengers have fresh hair transplants

my brain minutes before bedtime: just an fyi, we've got that phone call tomorrow, minor thing, no need to stress me: holy fuck a tiger is chasing me

the adult therapy sessions that kid is gonna have with the AI he's trained to sound like his dad are gonna go crazy

me, the world's worst wizard, talking to my client shitting his guts out: okay, but did i fuck up the Potion of Frost Giant Strength, or did I successfully create the Potion of Incredible Gastro?

apples give off a gas that makes other fruit rot. onions peer pressure potatoes into smoking. pears are pedophiles. blueberries have a hentai addiction. persimmons got scammed by AI Sydney Sweeney.

one time i interviewed to manage a chocolate shop and at the end they gave me three little chocolates and wanted me to describe what they tasted like. i don't have the best sense of taste so for every one of the chocolates i just said it's "got an interesting mouth feel."

whoever Ed Sheeran chooses to replace his touring band has a chance to do the funniest thing ever

showing my depressed patient a photo of Pagliacci

showing the judge a picture of an innocent guy

hopefully now Republicans can finally come to terms with the fact that he's ready for a presidential run.

shat myself during a game of pass the parcel. shit smell fills the room. everyone leaves. im the only one left. the music plays and stops as the parcel remains in my hands. i rip open every single layer and get to the prize on the inside. a win is a win.

insane two things to be famous for

starting a charity to provide adult children of narcissists with professional podcasting equipment. link in bio.

two shoes, one for each 9/11

rip Kurt Cobain, you woulda loved adult men with hentai addiction visibility month

showing my Mexican barber a clip of Goku going Super Saiyan for the first time

showing my barber a slide deck on my plan to maximize shareholder value

my favourite sleeper Sopranos scene is when Tony is so icked out by how hard Paulie is laughing at a sitcom he briefly considers whacking him

just got diagnosed with super shit syndrome. my shits are 12% larger than they should be. they don't know where the extra mass is coming from. they're telling me it's incurable.

impeccable technique on display from Antonoff. no matter how many things you're holding they go in the one hand. the other hand should be free for tasks. i fuck with that huge.

if you're telling me a story and you try to make me guess something, don't. i don't need that kind of stress in my life.

the Studio episode pitch

Rodney Dangerfield woulda dined out on this shit "you heard about this movie where people only have sex one day a year? yeah, it's called being married to my wife!"

people always bring this shit up, but never the hundreds if not thousands of pages that were created for people that didn't get famous and that the haters were 100% right on

apparently if Spain wins Messi has to give Lamine another bath. it's an archaic rule, FIFA never got rid of it because they honestly never thought they'd have to use it.

this happens far too often for me not to believe some of these babies are paid actors

soccer is so good it's kind of a shame they only play it for a month every 4 years

what i wouldn't give to see cum box on the big screen

pro tip: if road conditions are hazardous, drive home as quickly as possible. less time on the road = less likely you'll have an accident.

this but replace the books with phones.

have the guys who designed these met any humans? thar shit is getting explored 0.001 seconds after being discovered

taking a bunch of sudafed for a bad flu and had a fever dream Steve Jobs beat the cancer and unveiled something called "Bisexual Mode" during the 2026 key note. he called it the greatest tech advancement since the original iPhone.

i've only ever known the SubwayTakes guy to interview influencers and celebrities, but i assume he used to interview actual crazy people on the subway and it was like, way better?

the fact that fart and shart rhyme unlocks so many battle rapping possibilities

they're saying i have "instagram face but for ugly people"

i nominated this!!

the biggest news story in Australia right now is that a sovereign citizen pedophile who killed two cops in August 2025, and who's been missing for the last 7 months, and who everyone assumed went full survivalist mode and died in the bush, was just found and shot dead by police.

no i wouldn't, because i would be afraid it would awaken something within me and i'd want to fuck every worm

air bud better keep his dumb ass on the basketball court. that little bitch steps one paw onto a football field im making orphans outta his children.

low stakes conspiracy - companies have started changing their terms of service frivolously to have a reason to send an email to your main (not promotions) inbox