Patsnotatweetin

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume? me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

why is turducken acceptable but my pigcowlamb is "an affront to humanity" and "how did you get the cow in the pig"

Being short at any concert. / ᴵ ᶜᵃⁿᵗ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃⁿʸᵗʰᶦⁿᵍ (-_-)_-)_(-_(-_-)

On a scale of a "Elon Musk'e PR guy" to the "guy who marks the tablespoons on butter", how laid back are you?

ah shit my ratatouille was a lab retread

on a scale of lotr the two towers and 9/11 the two towers how depraved is your meme library

date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names

friend: Our basement just flooded, we have to cancel game night. me: *covering phone* that’s a bit extreme genie: Two wishes left.

At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume? me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

cop: you have no idea how he came or went? what 𝙙𝙤 you remember? me: the eyes cop: the eyes? me: the C̶̤̞̰͈͔̊͒̽̓́o̸̗̤̍tt̵̨͎̞̹̭̣ö̷̗̗̫͙̙͔̙͍n̵̽̀̈́͑̔ ̴̠̹͇͖͈͉͋̎ĕ̷̛̱̙̫̪͙̐y̵̧̱̍̇̑̕̚͝e̴̅̇͛̓̃͊̔s̷͚̰̙͐̓̇̔

*doing that thing where someone dies and i close their eyes but i do it one at a time*

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

BOSS: is your makeup tattooed on? ME: yeah it's exhausting to have to put it on every single morning BOSS: why a clown though

a dead giveaway that someone is lying is if they're in a horizontal position on the floor

team builder: everyone say a fun fact about themselves guy with three arms, a horn, and a mermaid tail: im from new york

it's crazy that discussing sex is still considered taboo when dozens if not hundreds of people have done it

Futons should be called ace sized bed the way they're both smaller and bigger than a twin

Wtf. Was walking my baby AT-AT and someone's Medusa just attacked it. Leash your creatures folks

it's american citizenship, Michael. what could it cost? $5 million?

[beauty and the beast] maid: why the hell was I turned to a feather duster cause the prince sucks?! this is some bullshit plumber: I don't wanna hear it that guy who nobody knows what he does: ♟️

Agent: I have a script for you. Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird? Agent: Yes. Radcliffe: I'll do it.

don corleone : we have known each other many years, but this is the first time you've come to me for counsel or for help. but let's be frank here. you never wanted my friendship. and you feared to be in my debt. me: please I just want a new nickname

We could take 100s of billions of dollars to end world hunger OR Here me out. We can make a chat bot that gives you bad info and tells you to jump off a bridge. Awesome right?

If your company is spending 100s of billions in an unprofitable product then sales aren't the point. Employee reduction is. Software engineers building AI for these companies at best are only hurting their brothers and sisters for some billionaire to get a little richer. Fuck billionaires

angel: so you ended your beef with the humans? god: yup. it’s all water over the bridge now. angel: you mean “under the bridge” right? god: angel: god: NOAH!?

When they find a person "unresponsive" why do the police always assume that person to be dead? It might be someone working in HR, for example...

Do corporations even consider customer need or sentiment? You'd think with all the data they have, "will customers spend for this" would be top of the list before throwing billions at AI slop or D list superhero movies

I simply cannot believe the supposedly most savvy investors in the country just bought into another freaking buzzword. How do people keep investing in tech that has never proven to make profit? The gap between successful company and stock price is widening every freaking day

We're in dystopian prologue now

The person who invented this workflow deserves the eternity of torture that's coming to them. 1. SEO Google results 2. Promote "free feature" 3. Begin feature webform/intake 4. Ope gotta create account 5. Return to form. 6. Feature needs free trial and credit card info Fuck this bait & switch

She was the *worst* but she was hella right here. Operating System UI should have stopped with Windows XP

Becoming more and more indistinguishable in looks, motives, and idiocy

Hey Siri, show me an example of code switching

group chats until apple gives up on its peer pressure based marketing

i like to say "this isnt my 𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘵 rodeo" and let the other person decide if im being ultra confident or my last experience was disastrous