Dick Wrigley

Hey, @nulldevice.bsky.social, I have an idea for the next @causticmf.bsky.social show...

Yesterday at work, I said, "A manager's job is to keep their chair from floating away," and I can already tell this new turn of phrase will outlive my time at this company.

The last three times I rolled a mandarin orange between my hands before peeling while my cat was lying at the foot of the bed, he looked at me, got up, and jumped out of bed in a huff. Like wtf are you bothered by all the way over there? If you have a citrus allergy, use your words.

OK, but if you squeeze the stone hard enough, you actually can get blood.

Yet another bot on this platform taking part in Kool-Aid's new astroturfing campaign.

Do you think I can pull off this mustache? Well I can't. It's real.

I don't like that I can't reply to some people without following them. What if that's the only worthwhile thing they ever skeet?

The story of how I got cat puke on my balls is less interesting than the fact that it happened.

I just need to remember this.

I don't remember what I did at work today, but the first time I did my own laundry on 508 Leonard St., my mom told me to set the dryer to "permanent press, between more dry and less dry."

I want to know which one of my cats knocked over the broom and puked in the dustpan so I can shake his hand.

I'm living in a Black Mirror episode where I grew up ready to fight against humanity being taken over by a sentient computer that's gained independence, but then it's just human culture being taken over by a spicy auto-complete still under our control.

They called it the Roaring Twenties because of all the lion attacks.

@geoffreycrofte.bsky.social Do you plan on continuing to maintain Noto? It's the only Keep alternative I've found with a scrolling widget.

AI has stolen humanity's soul. We were meant to imagine beautiful things, ruminate on their subtle details, and create them with great determination. The portmanteau "Black Sabba-Zabath" was meant to permeate my every waking thought for two years before I finally scratch the itch with Photoshop.

I just caught my cat chewing on a bar of soap in the bathtub, and he ran away like he knew it was weird.

This is my favorite thing I saw on Reddit today.

I'm looking at a picture of the back of my head for what must be the first time in my life. I know it's me, but it's completely unrecognizable for obvious reasons.

Me, interrupting someone's poem: Wait, why aren't violets violet?

My least favorite genre of internet is dumb asshole talking into a foundation brushcore.

I’ve started investing in stocks: beef, chicken, and vegetable. Someday, I hope I’ll be a bouillonaire.

My therapist could tell something was bothering me during our last virtual visit. "Normally my cat would have come to sit in my lap by now."

I've never sung a rendition of "Achy Breaky Heart" called "Icky Sicky Butt" while having diarrhea, and you couldn't prove it even if I had.

Journey to the Center of the Smurf I give all interested parties permission to use this movie title.

I can't believe the Department of War would do something like this.

I knew someone who actually died on a hill. I refused to attend the funeral because I don’t reward clichés.

If you can't trust a soccer league's judgement on what makes a peaceful person, can you really trust anything at all?

My wife asked why I looked so troubled and my response was, "In Batman Forever, Robin does his laundry all crazy like it's martial arts, and I thought it was cool at the time, but it's actually really lame, and his shirts are probably all stretched out."

They might sell more cereal if they included the last line of the verse, "You are to eat it during the 390 days you lie on your side."

@dasharez0ne.bsky.social You incorrectly use apostrophes when pluralizing, and I don't know if it's intentional or not. Otherwise, these are great.

🜅☈⍻⏧

The irony of being trapped under a fallen refrigerator is that once the shock wears off, hunger sets in. After two days, I started eating pieces of a macaroni snowman my nephew had made for Christmas. By day five I'd eaten the construction paper, two credit card bills, and my cousin's save-the-date.

Across the Spider-Verse came out in 2023 with a cliffhanger ending.

"Karate Chicken" sounds like the whitest Midwestern way to order Kung Pao.

A low effort mspaint edit will always be funnier than an AI generated photo, and I will die on that meme hill.

I consider myself a smart person, but I also don't know what granola is. I eat granola. A lot. But when the world ends, and I get a hankering for granola, I guess I'll start looking at pine cones to see if they have anything to do with it and go from there.

This much closer to one day seeing 1930's "The Cat Creeps."

Of all the oat milks I've tried, Oatly is probably the most like real milk. It also has the best mouth-feel.

I think connected earlobes is the wrong way to have ears.

Netflix hands out comedy specials like Master P handed out record deals.

I hate that help is always a live chat now. Just let me send a godamn email and move on with my day. My ADHD can't fucking handle this. 2 hours of "Oh, shit!" and coming back to a closed chat I forgot about.

"The throat and esophagus are exceptionally stupid." — Dr. Seth Dailey, UWH

I just spent the past 2 hours talking to a stranger on the train. Now we go off to our individual lives and slowly forget one another. Being human is weird but kind of cool.

Most globes you see are outdated, but this shows the Earth in 100 years.

My earliest memory is me accidentally electrocuting myself. It happened 10 minutes ago.

Whoever's spreading rumors about me selling teeth needs to stop. I'm actually giving them away.

Back in my day, pirated movies came in .avi files.

they couldve called it the mightychondria. it was right there. what else have they taken from us