Comstar Helpdesk

Are you a good mechwarrior? Is your commander breaking treats in half and pretending it's a whole treat? Good puppies... Er, mechwarriors, may be entitled to compensation!

HEAT NEUTRALITY IS A LIE BY BIG HEATSINK TO SELL DOUBLE HEATSINKS. DON'T FALL FOR THEIR LIES. ALPHA STRIKE. YOU DESERVE A TREAT.

It is endlessly disappointing to me that the Cephalus U, the dedicated underwater variant of the Cephalus omnimech, is not called the Hydrocephalus.

We are rolling out new high bandwidth services in the Taurian Concordat this month, with nothing but the finest lostech available to the Inner Sphere!

Handler? Hound? Off the leash? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about Adept, so stop humping my leg and get in that fucking Locust! The Jags are coming!

Due to recent increases in ammunition expenditure (Looking at you, Precentor New Avalon...) we are now switching to a timed system which will issue ammunition at appropriate intervals.

You would not believe how many important briefings have been lost due to someone taping over the VHS tape.

Fun fact: An EXTREMELY deep cover ROM agent on Jardine III performed the Inner Sphere's only recorded assassination by blow dart in 3062.

Things I'll never live down: Sending ROM to track down a 'cache of Star League data' then having to pretend the haul of Cameron family home holovids was worth killing four dropships worth of civilians for.

Despite what the media says: ComStar CAN stop the signal.

You think the Black Marauder is... Like... Into girls? 👉 👈

Call me a rotary autocannon because I jam up after dropping a hot load.

New Battlemech movement type: The Crip walk. You move one hex less than your usual walk MP but uh... You look cool while doing it I guess?

My mech's targeting computer has an "I'm Feeling Lucky!" button.

Comstar Healthcare covers performance enhancing orchiectomy surgeries for mech pilots so you aren't distracted by sweaty balls in the cockpit.

THE CAPELLANS DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS BUT THE CATAPHRACTS AT TIKONOV ARE FREE YOU CAN TAKE THEM HOME I HAVE 458 CATAPHRACTS.

Thanks to the discovery of lostech in the Helm memory core, all further briefings and orders are to be delivered using the power of HitClips. As such please limit such briefings to 60 seconds or less.

So we all know Battletech distances are measured in hexes. A hex is 30m across. I'd like to know how many hexes 30m is. That way I'll know how many hexes we have per hex. It's hexes the whole way down!

"I Know Where My Heart Is Because I Know Where It Isn't" A (very short) toxic yuri fic about an LRM in love and the anti missile system sworn to destroy it despite every circuit in its system screaming with desire.

"In this trial, I will face my foe... Augmented." [Pops gas station dick pill]

To the mad motherfucker who looked at a Ryoken B, with it's UAC20, six clan medium lasers, and terrifying mobility, and thought yes, this is the ideal mech for a 0/0 pilot, when sticking Kai in it at the Great Refusal. This wild bastard clearly was planning on killing god for fun. I salute you.

THE ART OF SHUTTING THE FUCK UP: A guide to public relations by Comstar's PR department.

"Humans will anthropomorphise anything!" - A junior adept when being questioned about the faces sharpied onto every LRM in the rack.

I heard if you press all the buttons on your mech's joystick at the same time it takes a screenshot.

On the burn in to Tukayyid chanting "GIRLS NIGHT! GIRLS NIGHT! GIRLS NIGHT!"

MRMs - Putting the "Miss" in "Missile" since 3058.

We have also proofed our ships against boarding space marines using litigation from Games Workshop.

Through the power of slightly smaller than normal doors, all Comstar warships are now immune to boarding by Elementals.

The Clans have been using omnimechs to transport battle armoured troops for many many years, but today Quikscell presents the final word in BA delivery: Gauss Battle Armour. You can load them right in! They're ferrous, they fire just fine! And it's so much faster than a Fire Moth!

NEW FROM QUIKSCELL! The one shot PPC! Powered by an advanced network of several thousand nine volt Duracell batteries, each tested by a highly trained technician sticking their tongue on the contacts, the OS-PPC is the ideal holdout weapon for a militia on a budget.

True stealth isn't ECM or stealth armour or Chameleon LPS, it's piloting a mech so utterly forgettable it vanishes from the minds of your opponent. Pic unrelated. See, you've already forgotten about it.

Obscure Comstar Lore: Anastasius Focht's eyepatch is actually concealing a sick as fuck eye laser.

You know it's kinda funny to me that with all their genetic engineering and eugenics, the Clans managed to perfect the giant fucking nerd in the pilot phenotype.

"No, no, they didn't give that protomech pilot Feralize... She's just... You know... Like that?"

The Lyran judge was a Comstar plant.

Comstar trivia: Mech assignments are determined via mech dating simulator.

So if anyone asks, the Mad Cat was an inferior clone of the Rakshasa, which was TOTALLY in development by 2940, and you can't prove otherwise, right? What are you, the cops? Get out of my house!

FROM: hr@newavalon.hpg.local TO: all-staff@newavalon.hpg.local When the Word of Blake split off, that left the Inner Sphere with two organisations that could claim to be "ComStar." HR wishes to advise that the correct plural is not "ComStars" but instead ComsStar."

An adept recently described the Inner Sphere's vibe as having "big Altima energy." I had to check the archives to understand the reference, but I can't argue with that?

This post brought to you by the guy cracking vintage Tukayyid era ration packs in 3151 and making videos about it. "Oooh, nice hiss!"

Comstar rations are now nutritionist certified as safe for most kidneys!

I was about to make a joke about adding mum's spaghetti to their bid until I remembered they don't have mothers :(

Do you ever think a Batchall has been resolved by rap battle?

"Hello, this is Comstar Support, how may I assist you?" "...Your HPG bill is too high? Let me see..." [Keyboard noises] "Ah I see what you've done. Instead of formatting your video as mpeg, which makes it smaller, you formatted it as mpreg, which makes it bigger. We bill extra for large files..."

The reason the Word of Blake lost was putting too much faith in the Omegas.

The Alpha Wolf is what you get when you introduce the warrior caste to the Omegaverse. That shit was like catnip.

Comstar tailors local comms to local conditions, but occasionally there's a bureaucratic slip up and you end up with a situation where local comms rely on carrier pigeons on a high-g world like Basalt. To this day communication speed there is capped by how fast pigeons can walk.

kallonmarketing@victoria.hpg.local kallonadmin@talon.hpg.local Upon review, the name 'Impregnator' for our new heavy mech has been rejected. Yes, I know we thought we could get away with it after 'Penetrator' but apparently there's a line the shareholders will not cross.

Y'all really like the forcefem protomech, huh?

CLARIFICATION: Earlier we made a 50 cbill offer. Uhhh, it's post Word Of Blake. We broke as fuck, and I was NOT authorised to post that.