Zalin

Family all out til the afternoon. Thinking about eating a cheddar brat in the bathtub

I can communicate with my Ukrainian neighbor who can’t speak English very well with ease

My ass

Third consecutive week showing up to tennis covered in paint stain and tired.

Terrific

My wife still doesn’t park in the garage after I cleaned and organized it all to fit her car. My proposed solution to this matter is to try and grow rows of corn inside it with UV lights this winter to see what happens. The mood is tense while she contemplates whether I am being serious or not.

Congrats @mutt0311.bsky.social !

United should launch a special route to Istanbul for bald guys getting the hair transplants called “United Hairlines”

The accountant

Just found a few year old package of hi chews in the back of the pantry and the the first one nearly broke my tooth. Perfect Saturday evening

I just opened a door and it triggered the handicap door somehow and the handle opened into my balls

Between the white Sox and the Mike tomlin Minecraft reveal this might be the best sports night of all time

THE FUCKING CHICAGO WHITE SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow can’t believe the Astros lecturing fans about booing didn’t work

Very visibly not paying attention in this meeting but I think my cfo already knows due to the white Sox jersey

Bryce Larper, is this anything

Screaming. Crying. Starting fires in my shed #whitesox

If I were leading the player mlb negotiations this offseason, I’d say “more like salary crap!” And we would all laugh and make sure we played baseball in 2027

#whitesox sobbing, screaming, throwing up on myself (happiness)

#browns

They keep their woke politics out of their music

I blame the horny Beto tweet

I wish his Achilles would rupture like a rubber band left in the back of the drawer for a decade

Tennis

What if you made an entire website out of the horny Beto tweet (it’s this one)

Learned the hard way that my kitchen is not equipped for homemade spaetzle

Declaring “household austerity measures” in reference to looking at what subscriptions we can cancel was not well received as a joke.

You hate to see wang soft at the open

The hardest I’ve laughed watching an episode of television….ever? At least since Eastbound and Down

What my footwork looks like

Booing Luis Robert sucks. They traded him for garbage and salary dumped the contracts they signed with his money then traded for Brenton Doyle.

Watching bill ackman play tennis in a professional tournament explains everything about this weirdly well

“But daddy, how do you know what the Carpathian Mountains look like?” My eye twinkles “just look at this polish cake your father made my dear!”

Not now babe, I’m tempering the egg yolks for the Karpatka

Preseason is starting with positive news about the offense and Caleb Williams so it was right on time Kevin Warren needed to draw attention back to himself

Ah the American southwest

Thinking about the time when I got banned from the morbius movie discord because I posted Jared Pedo. But not banned prior after asking repeatedly if Morbius would suck the blood out of a penis when giving head.

Barking like DMX after shanking a serve return for a winner

People start to smell after a 3 hour flight. I don’t even want to know what this one would be like

Nothing but respect to the easily 6’6” 350lb guy in line with me at airport security who is wearing a “I drop big loads” trucking shirt

Vaxxed?