Bugsy Smith

Rudely taking up the best parking spot at the supermarket sitting in my car scrolling on my phone procrastinating coz when I get home I have to bury my cat

Another lovely father's day where my young kid is making me scrambled eggs and absolutely SCREAMING at her mum whenever she tries to gently steer her away from burning the kitchen down.

What is happening? What are all these cryptic posts I keep seeing right now???

Federal agencies hiding out in a bunker

The 7-year-old & her friend are playing a game that mostly involves yelling at Donald Trump?? And she just screamed "People are dying, Donald! I'm gonna punch you in the penis, you fucking bitch!" with just IMMENSE gusto.

They created a DEI Grammy for white people.

Am I the only grinch-ass motherfucker who keeps seeing clips like "Nothing rhymes with orange? Eminem begs to differ!" and thinking "Well shit I didn't know people were out here claiming nothing KINDA rhymes with orange! I could've been out here smacking that claim down with goddamn 'porridge'!?"

My kid keeps asking "What's this song about?" and I keep having to admit I don't know. I don't know what this song is about. I don't know what ANY SONG IS ABOUT. I AM DUMB. ALLEGORY AND METAPHOR ARE LOST ON ME. I JUST LIKE TO SING ALONG.

"I've got sand in my butt. It happens to the best of us," the 7-year-old informs me stoically.

History: “Eventually the incompetent fascists invariably lose power and then society recovers in a new and stronger way” Me: “Oh, cool, so what has to happen for the spell to be broken??” History: “mmmm…well, that part is less encouraging.”

It's Sports Game night again. I am in dread. It's half an hour of zero-stakes mucking about with nice people and a ball and I'm counting down the hours in steadily mounting anxiety. I think I'm doing Hobbies wrong?

Just saw someone describe carrot cake as "weird ass vegan bullshit" and I am reeling

I've heard so much about Emilia Pérez but somehow all I know about it is A) it is a movie and B) it is bad, and honestly I'm not sure that I'm right about point A.

Today my kid requested and received an ice cream sandwich with the crusts cut off.

Trying to convince a family member that enjoying The Apprentice 20 years ago is not a great reason for posting Trump Is Awesome shit all over social media, god help me

Went to a nice Italian restaurant yesterday. Don't go to a lot of 'em coz of where I live. Seemed like a classic setup - maps of Italy on the wall. Wine-based decor. Punk band stickers behind the till. Owner in his 50s wearing a t-shirt of hungover-looking Ronald McDonald puking rainbows. 10/10.

Is there something I can do to not see that edited Tintin panel anymore or

I got talked into joining a Sports Team. It's terrible. I come out of games tired and grumpy. Aren't I supposed to be getting some kind of Type 2 Fun out of this bullshit?

Today I cashed in my squeaky-clean (if decades-old) school record, my negligible drug use, my zero teen pregnancies, and other credit accrued by having been a pretty low-hassle kid in exchange for my Mum allowing me to convince her not to use the AI art program she was looking into.

Sunday's over and I've spent the evening setting myself up for a strong start to my 1st day back at the job (ie eating enough Flamin Hot Cheetos to guarantee I'll be taking a bathroom break 15 mins after arriving at work)

Oh shit oh fuck it's half an hour til 2025 and I either need to find something to do or go to bed because I can't be telling people I rang in the new year scrolling YouTube shorts

Things I wasn't expecting to be so prevalent on this app: space photography (v good, am enjoying), pizza (ok show me your pizza if you must, that's fine I guess), and cartoons with Reposted From Your Minions-Apologist But Nevertheless Very Sweet Middle-Aged Auntie's Facebook Timeline energy (hm.)

All I want for Xmas is to get this eggnog poop out in the safety of my own home before we have to go to my folks' for lunch where there's a dozen people and one toilet, please Santa, time is running out

I just realised we've kinda forgotten to put up ANY xmas shit at all yet, and I don't know how the 7-year-old has let us get way with this

How do I keep getting myself into situations where I have to draw bird feet

Why is there so much pizza on this app? I mean these all look like very yummy pizzas but, like, why?

Self-induced headache from trying not to cry too loud at Baby Mine in Dumbo

I didn't miss the other place even a little over the last 2 years, but damned if I wasn't happy to see some familiar avis while I was scrolling around here trying to decide if I actually wanted back into any kind of social media. Gonna go follow some amusing strangers again!