biscuit

less "silver fox" than "salt-and-pepper cornered wolverine"

shunshine (n.): 1) attitude from an Amish person; 2) appellation for a rude Amish person

help I got h.r. giger confused with h.r. pufnstuff. viscera everywhere. help

this meeting could have been mandated needles under my fingernails

help I got h.r. giger confused with h.r. pufnstuff. viscera everywhere. help

forget a massage, just run me through a commercial meat tenderizer

there's always something kinda magical about working through old associations that keep you from enjoying a band's output. especially a song relevant to those associations.

the gambler gave really shitty advice. "the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep"?! fuck that; I'll die in a satanic orgy in my 80s like I was planning

Boss: What do you think? Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we're not on top of it, it will roll over us and we'll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that? Boss: You're not allowed to talk in meetings anymore.

Them: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. Me: [standing on the ceiling] Why do you say that?

excited to report the 83 year old woman on nextdoor who hates me and my associates has moved from calling us “mean girls” to calling us “knives out” which is frankly very confusing but I call dibs on the benoit blanc role

SCOOP: 'Tommy' from the now-viral exchange with Abdul El-Sayed is Thomas Teepell, a former staffer for Republican Senator Josh Hawley with close ties to Christian Nationalist Sean Feucht. He's the son of a former Bobby Jindal staffer whose consultant work was instrumental in getting Hawley elected.

can we make “idkwtfigo” a popular acronym for “i don’t know what the fuck is going on”

is your house on a street? are there stop signs and traffic lights? is the street maintained? does your town offer public services? is your garbage and recycling picked up every week? those things didn't stop existing when you paid off your mortgage to your bank

The fact that “do-gooder” is a put-down tells you everything you need to know about the human race.

i am not fixing my typos. you get me as is

the best response I got on this was off-site and it read "Those don't belong to him. He should give them back."

chekhov's guillotine

Jimmy Fallon has the eyes of a hunted man

I'm not like other guys. I'm more of a plot device

it's funny we say "that smarts" about pain when so often it happens because I did something fuckin stupid

I heard Jim Bakker died earlier this month, which is a boon for the wombats that will consume the body

lotta libs big mad about this one

I wish the Democratic party would fight the trump administration as hard as they fight actual leftists

this was a post about a Democrat btw

"my numbers are in the toilet' "idk, throw some talcum powder in an envelope and say the DSA sent it to you"

Really important to make sure you quit or retire from your 'talking about stuff' job before you hit this point

my role as Friend is to be quietly supportive and listen, and never allow trivial things like my mental anguish to color the discussion

I heard Jim Bakker died earlier this month, which is a boon for the wombats that will consume the body

it's funny we say "that smarts" about pain when so often it happens because I did something fuckin stupid

this was the original concept but I couldn't resist the dramatic option

I'm not like other guys. I'm more of a plot device

Now That's What I Call! betrayal of self

Many of us knew this from the start, yet you motherfuckers in the corporate media insisted on treating it as an existential crisis for the league bc it was doing numbers on the Nazi site that you still treat as the town square

Fuck ya’all. I’ve got an opinion and I don’t give a flying fuck if you like it. So sit down, shut your ass up, and take what I’ve gotta say cuz I’m not sorry if it triggers you. (*six minutes, twenty seven seconds later*) I’ve turned off comments and quote tweets on this post because of the trolls

we had butt rock when I was a kid too, but they called it cock rock back then. it took 30 years for the concept to make its way around back

today's vibe is: accepting failure

Jimmy Fallon has the eyes of a hunted man

2006: "Illegally downloading media is theft because you’re taking something you didn't pay for." 2026: "Buying media isn't ownership because you paid for something we can take away any time we like."