The Real Beardium

This world needs an enema

WHATS GRACKLE-ACKIN

You could always know when someone on Star Trek was an alien because they would have some weird shit on their head.

Brits probably call handjobs spoogey woogies or some shit

I'm just like a cat when I'm drinking. I'm fluffy and adorable, and I knock shit off of counters.

It's always take a shit. But no one ever gives a shit😢

Today's challenge: Write a horror story in less 100 characters. I'll start. I didn't realize that I had stepped in dog shit until I was on my way back down the ladder.

Proof that bears shit in buckets

Contractually obligated shit posting

The butt does not concern itself with the farts

I wonder if DoorDash will deliver to my bedroom. I’ll give them five stars.

Sorry for being late. But I saw a poetry post about the moon and I have spent the last hour puking.

The phases of the Moon, but it's just my underwear riding up into my ass as I toss and turn throughout the night

If I was a werewolf, I would say shit like, "Howl are you doing?" And my werewolf wife would say things like, "Not now honey, I'm not in the moon."

I just mooned the moon. Gave it a taste of its own medicine

Why was it called The Cask of Amontillado and not Another Brick In The Wall?

In days of old when knights were bold and toilets were not yet invented. I left my load upon the road and walked away contented.

just learned count chocula isn’t a real vampire and my whole world has been turned upside down

Frankenberry is the name of the doctor

They're making me embark upon a quest tomorrow

buddy i wouldn't shit that with your ass

Here is my phone number. Please text me all hours of the day and night with information about your BRAND

People with money be like: "Just get some money. All of your problems will go away with just some money. Why choose to be poor?"

*serves you a room temperature glass of milk

I pay for the lowest, ad subsidized streaming tier because I fucking love learning about BRANDS

"Food fight!" a vampire yells as he hurls a human at another vampire

Fun with rum

The lessons from Brazil and Serbia? Don't concede one inch of ground to the far right. Don't appease. Don't triangulate. Don't grovel. Don't say they have "legitimate concerns". Mobilise your base, and fight them with all the democratic means at your disposal.

#protestsigns

I think the Pentagon telling US military bases to prepare to operate for at least 90 days without electricity, fuel, water or supplies should be bigger news. Word on the street is the US is in cahoots with israel to start a massive war.

Putting the fuck in fucktionality

Fuck a sign. Tell me which Wu Tang Clan member you were born under

Sends you a mix tape titled "Songs To Fuck To", and it's just Gangnam Style on a loop.

Once we're all dead, none of this fucking shit will matter. Drink, be merry, and fuck a lot.

Everything is a fuck. So do what want

This year, I'm not taking off the pirate costume after Halloween. I'm committing. I want a life of swashbuckling adventures on the high seas. I want to drink rum all day and shit over the side of a ship and fuck a mermaid.

What the fuck

You may take one penis from the Take-A-Penis-Leave-A-Penis tray

Farting in every language

erm

Girl, are you a football? Because I'm gonna fumble you."

Twerking for the love of the game

I wonder if shitty people can smell themselves