Edward Wolden

Titmouse? More of an assmouse myself.

My grandpa asked me to be his pallbearer but I was like, “If you want Paul naked, you’re gonna have to do it yourself”

Texas Hold ‘em but it’s just hugging Austin comics and telling them it’s not their fault

WE ARE $600 AWAY FROM OUR GOAL!!! Please consider backing or sharing, especially with any monsterfuckers in your life. This is a very monsterfucker-coded game.

Rock Bottom? Oh, you mean Kevin Hart?

The Mandela effect is wild, growing up, I could’ve sworn the President of the United States was on the Epstain list but I just looked it up and it’s actually the Epstein list

Studies show women blink nearly twice as often as men, mostly because they can’t believe the shit you just said

Studies show women blink nearly twice as often as men, mostly because they can’t believe the shit you just said

“It takes two to Tango!” - Sylvester Stallone’s stunt double in the ‘80s

Veterinarian Bart Simpson after he couldn’t save the calf. “You don’t have a cow, man”

Maybe if they had named the company Astrologist instead, he would’ve seen this coming

My buddy builds stages for a living. It’s a stand on business.

Guy who’s only read The Trial seeing an ICE raid - “Man, this country sure is kafkaesque” Guy who’s only read The Metamorphosis seeing Laura Loomer’s face - “Man, this country sure is kafkaesque”

Elvis Presley was definitely the King (An inbred white guy who stole all his stuff from other cultures)

Somewhere Lin Manuel Miranda is in a room trying to rhyme Zohran with “we won, we won, we won”

The Trump administration is renaming military bases after Confederate generals, which means my ex was wrong, some people still love losers

“I did all for Tanooki” - Fred Durst playing Super Mario Bros. 3

“I did it all for the cookie” - Muppet Fred Durst

Trump stopped an Israeli plan to kill Iran’s supreme leader, he reportedly didn’t want people to know killing leaders is something you can do.

It should’ve been Mike Love

Growing up in the 90’s, one riot will always be king

“Don’t worry it’s not my fist rodeo” - cowboy proctologist

Emo kids love going to the deli because of all the cold cuts

If we’re not allowed to give them cocaine, why do they call it a baby bump?

As nicknames go, I think Billy is the greatest of all time

Gonna make a monument to the lack of Canadian Prog Rock bands called Mt Rushless

Denver is treating 16th Street like my hometown in the early 2000’s. They got rid of the mall.

I fixed my broken German beer mug with pieces from other ones and now it’s a frankenstein

Gonna make a sequel to Chariots of Fire called Burnt Chariot Drivers

His first day of being Pope, Leo needs to sexually assault the biggest, meanest kid in the yard to assert dominance

Pretty sure a hundred guys couldn’t beat the band The Gorillaz much less a real one

“It’s beer o’clock somewhere” - an alcoholic explaining time zones

The CEO of Charles Schwab has announced that they will start investing in crypto. He also said all future investments will be decided by astrology and he fired his doctor in favor of a chiropractor

Pretty sure I could beat off a 100 gorillas but I’m not making eye contact

The Vatican received a message from Stanley Tucci that just says “I’m available”

World mourns as head of international pedophilia ring dies

To celebrate 420 the pope got hella high (heaven)

Pope Francis died on Easter Sunday. Pulling, what many experts are calling, a “reverse Jesus”

“This tastes like shit!” - a dog enjoying their meal

I don’t know if a salad could understand Andy Warhol’s art, but I bet a soup can

An orca admiring the vocals in a metal song- “Man, that’s a killer wail!”

“I herd that!” - agreeable sheepdog

I don’t know much about World Quantum Day but if our country would stop supporting a genocide that would be a pretty super position

In happy news, Katy Perry is going to space on the Blue Origin rocket. In sad news, Katy Perry will be returning from space on the Blue Origin rocket.

Trump has said his tariffs are the medicine needed to heal our country. He then asked how to crush up and snort a tariff.

23 and Me is filling for bankruptcy. Maybe they should’ve tried a little 23 and Us.