Adam Wentz

Sorry babe, this is a Tulsa King size mattress so it ain't big enough for the both of us

In a statement today, Robert Kennedy Jr. declared that all government-funded scientists and doctors would cease their current work and focus on figuring out "what the hell happened to my body"

Mr Rogers: Look for The Helpers. Me: Oh that's nice a nice sentiment Mr Rogers: They're 3 foot tall little freaks that come at night and do experiments on me

Let's see how you idiots like it when the pendulum swings the other way. - Guy who is way too competitive about big grandfather clocks

Protesters used to be able to put their bodies on the gears/wheels/levers/etc but that stuff's all in The Cloud now

Just tanked my DOGE interview 😞 I failed to get "Rick" in the "Which Rick and Morty Character Are You Quiz" phase

DON'T LIKE: "that'll help the price of eggs *eyeroll* /s" LIKE: Every other eggpost

If Musk wants to prove he's a true gamer he should zero out his wealth and prestige capitalism. He'll get a wallet with a cool skin that shows he's on his second playthrough.

DNC needs to appoint a leader whose name is a mononym like "Ripper" and they wear clothes made from highway debris zip-tied together

Chaos theory: if a frog pees with its pants all the way down, does it cause the US government to collapse 20 years later?

You couldn't make Pink Flamingos today

Dems need to hammer Trump on cost of living issues. Don't be distracted by his order to hunt down and execute every member, past and present, of Cirque du Soleil under authority of the Alien Circus Act.

I can understand why RFK jr might be an advocate for raw foods ever since he was grievously irradiated in a pasteurization accident

Press Secretary: We saw the Biden Administration spending money like drunken sailors--billions of dollars wasted on stupid tattoos

Trump: Elon Musk. We all love Elon, right folks? Great with the electrics. Doing big things with the Ark of The Covenant. "X-Box" he likes to call it. Biden had it in a Chinese warehouse; not very smart.

In the land of the blind, cash is king

Spy to other spy: Meet me in the rainy part of town

Pete Hegseth walks into a bar. Bartender: What'll you have? Hegseth: I'll have to fuckin' nuke China if I don't get served here--been kicked out of the last few bars I'm pretty wasted

Shit I've been putting my credit card in the email CC field for like a decade

Dave Barry Syndrome is a neurological disorder where the patient frequently thinks groups of words would make a good band name. An early indication of DBS is "Dave Barry Syndrome" sounds like a good band name.

I got kicked off of TikTok because my posts were "making the other posts less viral"

FBI:CIA:GPT

Did Trump pardon this guy too? Extra despicable imho since it sounds like he may have landed on or near a cat.

Everyone's talking about the new vampire movie Balatro

Harsh block-age buuuuuddy

Another morning writing beautiful love letters to My Fair Hiring Team

Expecting Melania to throw that hat at someone and fully decapitate them

Breaking: The Supreme Court has ruled that PornHub must be viewed through a tiny peephole

I'm keeping my twitter account so I don't have to make a new one when it becomes the required id for getting on a plane

How To Ace The Masculine Energy Interview

Sorry, cinephiles

The movie Hackers demonstrated that it takes at least a half-dozen good tech freaks to counteract a single bad tech freak. And these were serious tech freaks whose computers made engine noises when they booted up and rollerbladed as a core part of their transhumanism praxis.

Safeway app is still "processing my order" like I caused them a great trauma

In a recent statement, RFK jr promised the incoming administration will fully fund Chill Pill research

The only thing stopping Elon Musk from fully becoming a Bond supervillain is that he wants to name his death ray "X-ray" but that term is already too well established

Pet peeve: people who say "let's get some 'za" Just say influenza like a normal person

Looks like the perp had his DNA removed

Breaking: A leaked document has revealed that going forward Facebook/Meta will be allowing "the really old racist slurs that sound like they could be from pokemon or something"

This is the end Beautiful friend This is the end My only friend, the end Oh wait there's a blooper reel

More from Zuck: "We're bringing back diaperposting. For a while the community asked to see fewer adult men soiling baby diapers so we stopped recommending those posts. But it feels like we're in a new era now..."

All Talked Over by Machines of Baiting Race

Due to excessive bias, we're replacing so-called "fact checkers" with AI generated quotes from the Founding Fathers

Pearls before swine you're feelin' fine. Swine before pearls you're gonna hurl.

Is anyone working in the alternative egg space? I'm thinking they should come from underground

Dana White has announced Facebook Factagon where facts slug it out until only one fact is left standing

welcome to my cyberharem, babebots

I'm begging you to stop selfishly using these air fryers. What are we gonna breathe when all the air is fried?

Say what you want about twitter but within seconds of posting the community came to my aid

Settling in to watch Red One, the movie where The Rock stars as the eponymous dog penis