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I can't help but think about the nerves of steel those people had to cultivate to do high-speed flips on a slippery surface with blades on their feet only for figure skating to have a reputation as a sissy sport

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Sissy sport my ass. Yeah sure a football player could flatten me, but a figure skater has enough knowledge of how joints work to rip my limbs off with no effort. They'll also look a lot nicer when doing it too, at least I'd go out in style.