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I wish there was something like a named pipe that allowed for random access (lseek and/or pread) instead of only FIFO without having to go all the way to FUSE. Is this a thing?

I suspect the answer will be "stop being lazy and embrace FUSE".

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I've definitely thought about this but I can't decide if it's even possible because fs.FS doesn't make you think about inodes, whereas I assume FUSE does?