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I love Ludum Dare, love running it. Few know how much I've sacrificed to keep it going. I sincerely tried to find work, jobs, arrangements that could afford me to keep it going, but after more than a year of reflection AND my complete utter failure to secure any job (useful to LD or not) broke me. 😔

It was inevitable. I've debated quitting dozens of times, but as everything I tried to build in parallel around me failed, running LD was both the thing that saved me and my prison. If I don't hang on I have nothing, I'm nobody. It also means everything, having a way to help so many like me. 🥹

I care too much about helping my friends. I could be on a critical deadline, but if I know a friend is in need, I will choose them (for better or worse). It's why I refuse to join chatrooms and temp-ban myself from social media: I can't stop myself from trying to help, to meditate, to understand. 😔

I think this illustrates my dilemma. Ludum Dare has been a gift, a way for me to make and reach so many friends, many I don't even know I have yet 🥹. Meeting fans of the event makes me so happy ☺️. I felt like such an ass the first time, I desperately needed to teach myself how to take praise 😅.

Part of me could just continue to do it...which is how we got here. 😅 Though I refused to see it, the commitment has been self destructive. There might have been a way out, but trying and failing to be taken seriously has taken its toll. You're not a skilled enough developer. You run a website.