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Last night’s dinner with Trump and Big Tech wasn’t a policy meeting. It was basically 'The Bachelor,' except instead of roses, the prize was the president’s approval.

The State Dining Room = the mansion. The CEO = contestants. Trump = the bachelor himself, basking in a lineup of suitors all competing for his attention.

One by one, the suitors step forward with their “confessions” (not direct quotes—just my 'Bachelor' recap translation, because you never know these days):

Mark Zuckerberg: “I’m here for the right reasons… also $600B in domestic investments.” Satya Nadella: “Can I steal you for a sec? Shoutout to Melania for her work in AI.” Tim Cook: “I just want to thank you for setting the tone… by threatening to ruin my life with tariffs.”

Where is Elon Musk? Oh right, he's an embarrassment