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It’s already hard with only one 1.5 year old and still trying to look after myself and our relationship. Can’t even imagine how tough it is and feels if it’s another child

The challenge is, the 5 years old is smart and can notice quickly. I want to avoid that pattern and try to balance between both of them. If an older father is reading this, I'd love to hear your tips/advice(s) :D

First of all, you're doing great. Anthropologically speaking, it's rare that a father would even give a shit at all. Attention needs ebb and flow. Your 5yo is about to get real busy with school, big life change ahead. Your 9mo, (assuming hetero-norms, sorry) physically needs mom more right now.

5yo might want your attention because mom is busy. I'd be available there. Divide and conquer. When your son turns ~3yo it'll switch and you'll probably (hetero-norms, again) be the primary wrestling parent. Lots of attention is coming. Obviously play with both your kids, but know it averages out.

Might be different because I had two daughters, but enlisting the older one in the care of the younger one gave me lots of time for strong rewards and teaching.

I have an older daughter/younger son who are both teenagers now. When they were really young, I didn’t consciously try to balance time between the two. The older one was smart enough to realize her brother needed more attention. My wife and I would each spend time with both in the ways they needed.

My kids are the same age difference, it’s tough. Strong sibling rivalry. My advice is to not be too hard on yourself, as you’ll inevitably fail to live up to your own standards.

No tips, just an acknowledgement that it’s hard. Our eldest is PDA and quite simply needs more of our time than our youngest. It’s not fair but we’re limited in what we can do about it. I just hope the youngest eventually comes to understand.

For what it's worth (since I am grown up), having grown up with a disabled sibling that required the main attention from my parents, I have not held it against them and come to appreciate their strength in doing what they could for both of us. They (and and you) have limits and are doing your best.

We have a 7yo and 10-month; that spread makes it a little easier, but we've gone in with lots of explaining to the older that babies need more attention, doesn't mean we love you less. You were a baby once, and you had all this, too. Helps to get him interested in babies and what he was like as one.

And any interaction you can foster between the two is a big win. To the extent the older can play with the younger or find things to do with them that they find entertaining too, it's a big help.