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as long as i'm alive i'll never forget you nolan. you'll stay here with me i promise you that

they had an impeccable taste in music. they lit up any room they stepped foot in. they wanted to make sure that you felt included. they were extremely funny. they wanted to show through action that they cared deeply. it often feels like they were better than i could ever be

but i'm still here and they aren't. when i think about them i can't help but wonder why that is. am i too stubborn? what does the universe know that i don't? many many things, and i wish i could know them but i may never know. i may never be set free for as long as i live

i think this is what they struggled with, more than i will ever know. the fear of the unknown. the existential dread that it may never improve and that one's actions may have been incorrect in the grand scheme of things

if i were wiser back then i would have gotten in my car on a one way trip to give them a hug. to give them company in those moments of isolation. i know it's not my fault but it still hurts to know that i could have done more